Indispensable (Irreplaceable)

It was a busy work day. A lot of meetings with no definite conclusion in any one of them, no proper time for work, therefore work being incomplete. Somehow, i managed my way through the day, and I was able to complete some of the tasks. Felt like my day was successful. I came home, cooked my dinner, kind of enjoyed it. And I just happened to pass by the mirror on the wall. I looked at my face. It was very dull, as if something sucked the energy and life out of me. I thought that I was going to need a big time rest. And I went to sleep.

A thought passed my mind: I am good at doing so many tasks at once. I should keep hustling till I’m nearly vaporized. I’ll be good at whatever I take up for doing and I’ll be irreplaceable in most of the aspects of life. I must create a space for myself which nobody else will be able to take. Sounds like a wave of narcissistic thoughts, right? I didn’t feel it that way though, at the moment. Suddenly I felt like someone was gonna slap me and I dodged it. I looked here and there, to find nobody around. I just got up and looked in the mirror. I was looking at it like a stupid kid and the reflection of me was grinning against me. I asked what it was laughing at.

“Of course I’m laughing at you. It’s so shameful to be your reflection.” It was the moment I realised that I’m talking to my reflection like it’s shown in all the television adventures so far. My reflection was a separate entity from me at the moment, and I didn’t feel afraid or hesitated to confront it. It said, “I have a few things to tell you, and you may have the idea what I’m gonna say. But you still ought to hear it.” “I’m going to talk and you’re only going to listen as you’re baffled and are on the receiving end. I understand that you’re surprised that your own conscience is about to question your beliefs. You might be annoyed, too. But I couldn’t care less. This dual experience is necessary for you.”

I was stunned by what was happening. But I had no other choice than to understand what was going on and immerse into the experience of a parallel image of reality. Somewhere, I was receiving the thought that what is happening is necessary for my growth. And then the reflection delved into the reality check session with me by asking the following questions with their further explanations. I will not share it in the dialogue format because it was, after all, happening all in my head. I will stick to first person perspective (like we do in playing RPG games) and we’ll see how it goes.

What if I never typed these words to share or express my opinion about this? Would that matter? It is not the case that my words are going to be taken seriously at the moment or ever again. Nobody is interested in what I have to say really. And it is not coming out of some nihilist attitude. I had a conversation with my friend last night where I expressed the same belief to him. He agreed because he faced the same thing. It was never about what we say that people these days find beautiful. It is all about how much finesse we have while saying it. The sound of your voice, the intonation, the details of the expression is all that people find fascinating. Else, the message has no form of its own and is lost in the void the moment the conversation gets over.

I am and will be doing all of this for the sake of intention of doing some work in terms of what makes sense in this world. Finding the truth has its own downside. It naturally has you isolated from the crowd of your own (or so you think). The intention and motive are more important than the act of doing and all other stuff. I am not saying something which has never been said before. All I have is the derived knowledge from my father, my mother, and my grandparents, and a few friends who are fond of wisdom. But if I don’t say it, I should never be lured into thinking that nobody else will. Because I’m not indispensable.

What if I leave someone when they’re in love with me?
This is the question that most people are afraid to even face, let alone finding the answer for. Because the answer is not going to be liked by those who dread it. For some reason, I happen to leave them in the middle of the journey, calling it quits. What’s gonna happen? Some days, both of us feel down, take time to recalibrate, and then move forward or move on with a new kind of life with maybe a new kind of partner and so on. All those who thought that we’re an irreplaceable partner in someone’s life, fell flat on their faces. It is stupidity. I must understand that before I had any idea that such a thing is going to happen to me in my life at one point of time, I was living life normally. Nothing severe happened because that feeling didn’t exist. All that there is, is in the moment right now. It wasn’t before and may never be after. Because I can find people to love once again, someone else will find someone else. I’d quote here a line from a great song called November Rain: “Nothing lasts forever, even cold November Rain”

If anyone feels like generalizing the argument for the above aspect, they’re free to do so on their own. I picked up the argument like that because I found it randomly like a number on a roulette wheel. But yes, I can be replaced and will replace people in my life if need be. If this sentence doesn’t find you pleasant, no problem. My intention is to introspect and share or reflect the truth. Not please anyone busing buzz words.

What if I never worked?
This question had me scratching my head for long. Because I always thought that there was at least one thing in which I cannot be outdone or replaced. But no. If I didn’t do the thing I’m good at for people or for my own contentment, I will find someone else doing it very soon as there are numerous smart people in this world who can find the same solution to a problem. If I’m not being the solution through my work, anyone else will be. What might have been my legacy is now theirs. I may not find the work very commendable but who am I to have a say about it? I don’t get the right to speak about it because I let go of the opportunity of working in the arrogance of feeling irreplaceable. The work will be done. Quality won’t matter because people simply accept the solution as long as it solves their problems as quickly as possible. People are very poor at having patience. They don’t give a shit to what you would’ve done, because they’re right to do so. You didn’t do it. That’s what is going to be recorded in the books.

Moreover, if I fight against this, I must just fuel the process of me being outdone and replaced. It is never the case that without me the solution will never come in existence. There might be delay or haste, but there will be one. And I’ll fall behind forever if that work is better that what I could have done and delivered. It is not about the rat race participation, but constantly doing some kind of work which will benefit most people is very important. Burning yourself out by working too much is not the right solution to this problem. Not working by thinking that you’ll anyway be replaced is not a solution either. It is not that we spent one third of our lives working for something. If we can make it more aligned with us, we’ll never be out of the game because the game will be customized for us. This is a complex one as I cannot condense the point further. Might require another session to write but I think I made my point talking about it in its periphery.

What’s the difference if I’m there at the right time or not?
This one is really ruled by the probability. If you’re there, feel fortunate to be able to do something good. Because, if you’re not there, someone else may be able to fit in to do the task. This pattern is only observable after a long time. We can only see a single state of situation at one point of time (or while we’re stuck in dealing with the situation), like a measurement of state of a particle. It is only after several trials do we get to know the bigger picture. Hence, in this case, anyone can be replaced by anyone. And we’ll never know what would actually happen, if one thing didn’t happen and the other did. If one person was not where he’s supposed to be and the other was there. It is really a game of chance, or some pattern we’ll not comprehend before a long time has passed and we’re left with nothing but discussion over a cup of tea and cookies.

Do I really think I’m indispensable?
After all these thoughts, I don’t have the ignorance left to think that I’m indispensable. Things won’t work out without me. I can and will be replaced. And therefore, it becomes my prime responsibility to do all the work with my heart and mind involved in it, help everybody in every aspect that I can, keep my purpose intact, refine my personality every now and then, shed the rust off of me every once in a while. This is my life. This is what I’ve got. This too, shall be replaced with silent nothingness. So, I’ll do something good for which I will not be forgotten, if replaced. No one in this world is irreplaceable. It is easy to know, but hard to realize, and harder to internalize. The sooner we all understand, the better and more peaceful our life will be and we might unlock an unseen goodness of ourselves in our reflections.
This was a good long episode of my self-reflection, after which I feel light and am able to do anything without the burden of my thoughts. Peace.